Monday, April 13, 2009

Dear Douchebag

Thank you so much for freeing me from your cocaine-fueled power trip. When you hired me eight months ago, I was confident that we would function as an incredible team. Unfortunately, your drug habit effectively squelched that notion. I should have seen it coming when you called out eight days in the first two months I was there.

Whether it was a car accident, that you got mugged, the airline lost your luggage, you were ‘sick,’ or you just couldn’t get your nose away from the mirror, I am simply grateful that I don’t have to deal with the excuses. I am glad that I went to HR about it and happy that HR is in the mire with you. Regardless, I got what I needed.

Fortunately for me, I am not trapped under the weight of an insane drug and alcohol problem and I have ideas that can be used outside the confines of my ego. Even if I don’t make $250,000 a year, I am much freer than you will ever be.

Friend of Bill W.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Dear Sneaky

Thank you for shooting down every people-helping world-changing idea I submitted to you. I made the grave mistake of thinking that an anti-poverty anti-homelessness charity actually WANTED to fight poverty and homelessness. You are the embodiment of the religious hypocrite. You are the poster-child of the 'Self-interested, Self-serving Cowards posing a good people of the World.' I hope they gave you a signing bonus for your extreme expertise. But mostly, you are a liar. I am just about done being livid about your 'little mistake' in the job description "Ooops, no, this job isn't permanent, it is temporary, and now it is over, Bye!" I am freaked out, penniless, jobless, and angry, but I am already getting over it. Many other people are much worse off than I am. So, I am going to grab some guts, face up to my unfortunate situation, and then, I am going to go and ACTUALLY CHANGE the world for the BETTER. Things are crumbling and grim. They are scary and hard. But I will survive and do well. Oh, and so will other people who aren't self-serving lazy cowards. You're on your way out buster. No one has time for people like you any more. You are a bad person. I look forward to observing your karmic fall form esteemed position to public spit receptacle.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Mr. Gorilla Boss

You look like a gorilla. You smell like a gorilla. You act like a gorilla.
You talk like a gorilla. You eat like a gorilla. You move about like a gorilla.
You scratch your head like a gorilla. You wave your big arms in the air when trying to communicate, like a gorilla. You stomp around the office like a gorilla. Because you so much resemble a gorilla, your very essence stinking of gorillaness, you have firmly established and irreversibly ingrained in me an excessively strong hatred for the gorilla and anything that remotely resembles its kind. I grace the moment you let my "chimp ass" (you f-ing bastard) go. I hope your fate matches your species, leaving you gravely in- danger-ed or behind bars.
Sincerely yours.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

You were right!

Dear Not-Really-My-Boss,
I'm glad you liked my letter! It's so nice that you want to keep in touch. Let me start by saying this:

You were so right about the job market right now!

It really is an exciting time to be unemployed. It's like an episode of The Amazing Race (who doesn't love that show!!!); everybody's fighting for the same jobs, but when it comes down to it, we're really all in this together. For example, I was seated in a waiting room before an interview for a custodial technician position the other day, when suddenly this guy comes out of the boss' office, crushes a piece of paper in his hands (I think it was his resume), and spikes it into the trash can next to me. I wasn't sure what was wrong, but I wanted to be supportive, so I asked him how it went. So he says to me: "Good luck getting hired by that asshole, buddy. The job's ALL yours." I mean, how nice is that? I'm waiting to hear back about that job, it's been a month but I really think I have a shot.

So I won't say that it's been easy, but I have a plan. I realized today that the fast food business must be booming because everybody's so depressed that they just want to gorge themselves on stroke-inducing grease products. I'm gonna get a job as a cashier at Wendy's while the economy's still hovering around rock bottom, and then when things pick up I'm gonna make bank. It's a foolproof plan, and in the meantime I should have enough money to live in this great bathroom I found in my local Starbucks. It's a bit small--only 5'x4' with a half bath--but utilities, maintenance, toilet paper, and WiFi are all free! I'll tell you this much, you get really good at finding bargains once you can't afford bottled water.

Anyway, I have lots more great ideas about how to get by in these troubled times. I think I might write a book; I'll call it  Just Play Dead: How Not To Get F**cked By A Bear (Market). Can you say best seller? 

In the meantime, I hope things are going well with that job you still have. Congratulations on getting that raise by the way, it must be nice to be able to fire your employees to put more money in your own pocket. Don't spend it all in one go. And if you see me at Wendy's, don't forget to be a champ and throw me an extra Washington for the effort.

Your friend,

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

It's been real

If I could apologize to you in person for all my careless oversights, undue sarcasm, bogus excuses, flat-out lies, unearned credit, feigned illnesses, and generally sour, unnecessarily put-upon demeanor, I wouldn’t! You deserved every minute of it just about as much as I enjoyed dishing it out to ya!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Oh the things I'm going to miss

Dear (name redacted),

Thank you so much for everything you did for me while I worked for you. I feel as though I've gained not only a mentor, but also a friend. We've grown incredibly close over this past year and a half, and I'm really going to miss you and all of the idiosyncratic things you do when I leave. I'll miss your frowning face every day, but at least I'll have the memories of you to keep me going.

I'm not sure what I'm going to miss most because there's just so many things I adore and respect about you. The one thing I'll probably miss above everything else is doing your expense reports. The way you throw crumpled up receipts at me...or how you leave a hotel bill on my chair when I'm away from my desk. Whenever I go to process your hotel bill, I can always count on excessive mini bar charges without explanation. But most of all, I think I will miss processing the $50 worth of porn movie charges you rack up in one night at a hotel. Even though everyone knows to shut off the porn before they fall asleep, you've always done things your way and just left the porn on. I really respect that about you.

Aside from your travel habits, I'm going to miss so many other small things about you. The way you must buy a soft pretzel and soda every time you travel through an airport. The lunch receipts you give me with names of people who are neither business associates nor employees of the company we work for. The way you creep in the corner at work happy-hours and sometimes bring your bike to the bar. The way you drop dirty socks in the hallway outside your door. The way your backpack is so stuffed with belongings that you hunch over when you wear it and walk at the same time. The way your shirt is always too small and always wrinkled and also you smell.

Especially during the summer, I'm going to miss when you leave all the lights on in your office at 3pm with papers scattered on your desk, and then try to creep out the other door. I'll really miss catching you do that while you think you are fooling everyone. And last but not least, I'm going to miss the way you take car vouchers from my desk and use them to take your girlfriend out to dinner downtown and then home to Long Island.

Oh, and I almost forgot, I'm really going to miss the way you ask me to do things, and then take credit for them in emails, to our bosses, and in meetings.

It's been a good run. Thanks for teaching me so much about how to conduct myself in the workplace and how to also be a decent human being. I'll never forget you.


(Name Redacted)

The Jerk Store

Everyone loves a good comeback.
True to the art form, I can't think of a good one on the spot right now. So I'll start this new post category with an old favorite from Seinfeld.

" Hey George, the ocean called; they're running out of shrimp."
George's much contemplated comeback: "Oh yeah, Reilly? Well, the Jerk Store called, and they're running out of you."
The Jerk Store