Thursday, February 12, 2009

You were right!

Dear Not-Really-My-Boss,
I'm glad you liked my letter! It's so nice that you want to keep in touch. Let me start by saying this:

You were so right about the job market right now!

It really is an exciting time to be unemployed. It's like an episode of The Amazing Race (who doesn't love that show!!!); everybody's fighting for the same jobs, but when it comes down to it, we're really all in this together. For example, I was seated in a waiting room before an interview for a custodial technician position the other day, when suddenly this guy comes out of the boss' office, crushes a piece of paper in his hands (I think it was his resume), and spikes it into the trash can next to me. I wasn't sure what was wrong, but I wanted to be supportive, so I asked him how it went. So he says to me: "Good luck getting hired by that asshole, buddy. The job's ALL yours." I mean, how nice is that? I'm waiting to hear back about that job, it's been a month but I really think I have a shot.

So I won't say that it's been easy, but I have a plan. I realized today that the fast food business must be booming because everybody's so depressed that they just want to gorge themselves on stroke-inducing grease products. I'm gonna get a job as a cashier at Wendy's while the economy's still hovering around rock bottom, and then when things pick up I'm gonna make bank. It's a foolproof plan, and in the meantime I should have enough money to live in this great bathroom I found in my local Starbucks. It's a bit small--only 5'x4' with a half bath--but utilities, maintenance, toilet paper, and WiFi are all free! I'll tell you this much, you get really good at finding bargains once you can't afford bottled water.

Anyway, I have lots more great ideas about how to get by in these troubled times. I think I might write a book; I'll call it  Just Play Dead: How Not To Get F**cked By A Bear (Market). Can you say best seller? 

In the meantime, I hope things are going well with that job you still have. Congratulations on getting that raise by the way, it must be nice to be able to fire your employees to put more money in your own pocket. Don't spend it all in one go. And if you see me at Wendy's, don't forget to be a champ and throw me an extra Washington for the effort.

Your friend,


  1. LOL!!!! I love the book title. F&%^ing hilarious! Thanks, that cheered me up! :)

  2. I love this letter soooooooo much!!!!! Brilliant!!!! If your book is as good as this, I would definitely buy a copy.