Thursday, December 11, 2008

Dear Enabler

Things I learned from you: (Not things you taught me. Things I learned from you. Because you were most certainly unaware of the heap of life skills I amassed while serving as your bitch. )

1) Showing up to work hung-over is acceptable, because I can guzzle water and EmergenC while hiding behind my computer, and pretend to be working really hard by furrowing my brow at the screen and typing furiously if anyone walks by. I can then take an extra long time at the copier, scanner, and printer, feigning a slow or broken machine if need be, in order to prolong the hours that I don’t have to communicate with anyone.

2) Showing up to work drunk is also acceptable, and makes mornings of g-chatting and emailing immensely more entertaining. The impending hang-over will most likely surface around lunch time, at which point a greasy, savory meal will improve my condition just enough, so that upon my late return to the office, I can follow the procedure aforementioned in lesson 1.

3) Having a beer or four at lunch makes afternoons vastly more enjoyable. If ever the boss leaves early, drinking at lunch should be required. If ever the boss stays late, I can keep myself busy for about five to ten minutes after my usual departure time, so that when I announce my exit, said boss will feel as though I am somewhat of an ally, leaving me entitled, naturally, to march triumphantly to the nearest bar, to begin, or more likely resume, my drinking.

5) If ever the boss makes me stay late, I can furiously text those coworkers who have left the office already, and make my presence well known to the rest of the staff who remains captive, so that they may know my plight and can snub said boss for keeping his/her over-qualified assistant late into the night for no good reason. When I am finally released, the only suitable place to go will be the bar, to get sufficiently wasted.

Thank you for nurturing what has become a fully developed, professional, drinking habit.

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